Aries
This week, make sure to leave no trace. Pick up after yourself; tread lightly, lest you leave footsteps behind. There will be grave consequences if you forget your headphones in the library again. It has been foretold.
Taurus
Pip-pip-cheerio, old chap! This week, adopt the speech patterns and mannerisms of a member of the late-Victorian British gentry. Not a super important one or anything, just an earl or a viscount, something of that nature.
Gemini
Things will take a turn for the worse unless you go glamping. Don’t be afraid to splurge on top-of-the-line equipment; I’m sure the gold threads woven into the fabric of that tent serve some utilitarian purpose. Plus, it looks sick.
Cancer
Just because Halloween is over doesn’t mean that Halloween is over. All your friends may have seen your costume already, but your professors haven’t had the pleasure, so don’t deprive them! Everyone will think you’re really cool if you wear it to breakfast and keep it on all day.
Leo
Ancient tomes hold knowledge that will be of great use to you this week. Explore archives, get lost in the stacks and do not under any circumstances come back until you’ve inhaled a century’s worth of information and two centuries’ worth of dust.
Virgo
This week is the perfect time for you to refresh your music taste. Clear your Spotify ‘liked’ list and replace everything on there with Pentatonix Christmas albums and Billboard Hot 100 singles from 2006. Don’t worry, you’ll get used to it.
Libra
No notes! You’ve been doing everything right so far, so just keep up the good work. However, if you do change anything—and I mean anything—things could start to spiral pretty quickly, so make sure you stay on your toes. No pressure.
Scorpio
You know what they say about looking a gift horse in the mouth, and it’s true—don’t do it. Equally important, however, is not looking a gift horse in the eye. It will interpret any eye contact as a display of aggression and attempt to trample you to death. Consider yourself warned.
Sagittarius
This week, you will have the best Deece fry of your life, but it will quickly be followed by the worst. Do not despair; these fries are the highs and lows of life rendered microscopic. If bad fries ceased to exist, would the good ones not cease to be special?
Capricorn
Wherever you go this week, leave a little trail of crumbs behind, Hansel-and-Gretel style. It’s helpful in case you lose anything and have to retrace your steps, and you can always reach into your crumb pocket for a quick snack when you’re on the go.
Aquarius
You are filled with wisdom, and it would be unfair for you to keep all of it to yourself. Besides, if you keep it all cooped up inside, it will probably give you a headache. This week, get a job tutoring or teaching or making speeches to cheering crowds.
Pisces
Riddle me this—how many Vassar students does it take to change a lightbulb? No, seriously. My lamp is broken and I can’t fix it. More and more people keep coming to help and none of them can figure it out. There’s barely enough room to lie down in here any more. Help!