Last week in a bold move that has the entire nation abuzz with bewilderment and bemusement, the Vassar Student Association (VSA) launched its newest initiative aimed at improving students’ quality of life. A fix for broken fire alarm systems? Retreat open on the weekends? No, it’s a secret and better third thing. BAMBI BUS. That’s right folks, gone are the days that the local deer population will be thinned by local hunters. You can all put down your picket signs. This age-old tradition has been traded in for a far more humane and downright whimsical alternative: deer-powered transportation.
No more must you trek from Blodgett to the Bridge, or make ill-fated and exhausting journeys to Central Receiving, only to remember for the 40th time that they close at 4 p.m. The newly launched BAMBI BUS initiative is all the rage with Vassar students, aiming to transform your daily commute into a magical woodland adventure. The driving force behind this initiative? Offering students a unique and exciting way to traverse campus, all while lending a helping hoof to the local deer population.
“The deer are always prancing around campus. We like them a lot, it would be a shame to see them go, so we figured why not introduce them to participation in the economy?” said Bambi Whitetail, a senior Environmental Studies major, and the namesake and brains behind the BAMBI BUS initiative. Whitetail continued, “It’s a win-win situation. We make it to class on time and in style, and deer get to show off their horsepower and prove that their lives have value in a capitalist world. The deer do get paid the standard $14.60 an hour, just like any other work study job.”
To make this transportation transition as smooth as possible, the deer have all been named and equipped with identifiable accessories and chips that students can scan with their VCards to rent the deer for 30 minutes at a time. If the student remains on the deer’s back for over 30 minutes, a sound plays that the deer have been trained to recognize as their cue to buck the nasty thief right off and then also spit on them and steal their backpack.
Students can go to the newly developed BAMBI BUS tab of the Vassar mobile app to browse the deer catalog. They can decide out of a whole slew of deer if they’d prefer to ride the noble Sir Galahad, the speedy Flash the Fawn or the affectionately named Pathetic Prancer, the slowest, but perhaps most beloved, BAMBI BUS participant. This choice has become the subject of heated debate, with some students forming fanclubs and receiving thousands upon thousands of fizzups defending their favorite antlered amblers.
The Vassar campus has also experienced an unprecedented uptick in deer-inspired fashion. Students have been spotted sporting faux deer fur attire everywhere you look! Antler headbands and fake tails are all the rage. “I just couldn’t resist accessorizing to match my ride’s magnificent coat,” admitted sophomore Bryson Stagwood as he showed off his antler earrings and fawn printed scarf.
However, BAMBI BUS has of course presented its own fair share of challenges. While riding a deer looks like a piece of cake in fairytales, in reality, navigating the timid nature of the animal takes a certain something. “It’s like mastering a sort of dance,” said junior Deerek Deerhart. “You have to be in tune with the deer, sway to their rhythm, and hope they don’t stop to sample the nearest bush and make you later than you would’ve been anyway.”
Inevitably, animal rights activists and concerned parents have raised some eyebrows, but the VSA has assured the public that every animal involved in BAMBI BUS is a card-carrying union member, and if they have any concerns they can bring them up with union rep Rudolph Bucksworth, the most famous deer of them all. The deer get all their required breaks as mandated by New York State law, and after a full year of work they’ll all qualify for dental benefits too.
BAMBI BUS has entirely redefined the experience of traversing campus, offering students a deeper connection with the nature around them in between classes while making an unforgettable statement about loving every creature, large or small. Why would we ever thin this population when we can all frolic in harmony? This fearlessly consequential move on the part of the VSA can only leave students wondering what will come next. Squirrel-directed recycling programs? Replacing PB with that kangaroo from the petting zoo they bring around sometimes? Only time will tell, and you can count on me to report it first. Until then, get out there and get riding.