Some call me the fashion scientist. Others call me crazy and intense. When people talk to me, they treat me with respect, saying things like, “What’s wrong with you? Stop touching my shoes.” Or, “Get away. Stop asking me if my skirt is polyester. You don’t need to know that!” Oh, but I do. I need to know everything. From togas to tube tops to too-tight turtlenecks that make you feel like a giraffe and have to be surgically removed at the end of the day to keep your bobblehead from being popped off; fashion is my life. You see, for months I’ve been searching for the ever elusive, ever mysterious formula to Vassar fashion sense. I’ve scanned closets, surveyed students and even taken single socks from the laundry room for experimentation purposes. And finally, I’ve found it: the answer. My formula, my E=mc2, my precious. The formula to Vassar fashion is this: The more liberal a person gets, the more religious they dress.
You might be asking, “What do you mean?” “Six months for this flimsy excuse for a scientific answer. Send this guy right back to the nuthouse.”—How’d you know I was scared of Mr. Peanut?—“Someone call Bill Nye to take this over.” Wait, no. I have an explanation. Just let me paint a picture.
Imagine a religious person, not just any religious person, but the kind of religious person that would say their favorite curse word is shucks and is often found being shooed away from houses for proselytizing. Now, imagine a Vassar student walking to the Deece in the snow or walking disappointedly away from the Deece, also in the snow. Did you see it? Did you see how this fashion Venn diagram is actually a circle? In case you didn’t yet get it (imbeciles), let me just explain.
What would any Vassar student have in common with a kid like Johannah Faith Duggar from “19 Kids and Counting”? Well, for one, what we in the business like to call vestis, or, in layman’s terms, dresses. Both your favorite Amish dairy farmers and your favorite classmates often don long dresses that show just enough ankle to start a typical 1800s scandal. Or, sometimes students like to switch it up and wear long black maxi skirts that send the message: I’m not mourning, I’m Mormon. For more modern students, loose jeans that tell other people you just freshly finished up herding the pigs are a classic. Not only do Vassar students look like they start their day with a glass of raw eggs from the chicken coop, they also start their day with raw, real fashion. And to cover their feet, Vassar students are often caught wearing big boots that send the messages: “I major in family life at Brigham Young University, and I believe zippers are a sign of vanity.”
Do you see my point now? My genius. My infallible formula. They don’t call me the fashion scientist for nothing. Well, now I’m on to crack my next case: What’s under Mr. Peanut’s monocle? I think it’s a pair of tiny binoculars that he uses to stare straight into my soul from thousands of feet away. God, he’s terrifying.