The Miscellany News

At 3:09 p.m. on Sunday, Jan. 21, Vassar Student Association (VSA) President Olivia Gross ’24 sent out an email informing students that “Medieval Fairytale” had been selected as the theme for this year’s Founder’s Day. The announcement was met with muted fanfare; after years of campaigning and widespread public support, the general impression of the student body was that this year, at long last, the theme “Muppets” had done enough to be chosen.

“I guess I’ll be a mushroom princess,” one student said glumly.

“At this point, I don’t know what I’m doing keeping this Fozzie Bear costume around,” sighed another. “Maybe it’s just not meant to be.”

Others reacted to the news with confusion. 

“Everyone I talked to voted for the Muppets theme,” one junior said. “How could this be?”

Exactly how would become clear all too soon. In the wee hours of Monday morning, an anonymous figure within the administration—known only by the handle SWDSHCHF—shared a trove of documents and emails, totalling two terabytes, with The Miscellany News, detailing a decades-long conspiracy to suppress the election of “Muppets” as the Founder’s Day theme. Although the email itself appeared to be written in some kind of uncrackable cipher, the documents themselves paint a vivid picture of a shadowy web of lies, implicating figures including every President of the College for the last 138 years and noted Vassar alumna Meryl Streep. 

“Hurdy gurdy gurdy gur,” the email read. “Erbledy gur-bur; føndërs derbledy herveroofuounders de zeeme-a meepet cuon gu oun nu lungerdy. Bork bork bork!”

Shockingly, according to the trove of documents, the suppression began before Founder’s Day had themes—and before Muppets creator Jim Henson was born. An 1892 telegram, addressed to then-College President James Monroe Taylor, stated the following:

STUDENTS AGITATING FOR FNDRS DAY MUPPET THEME STOP

UNCLEAR WHAT IS MUPPET STOP

APPEARS NEFARIOUS STOP

CALL IN PINKERTON AND CO TO QUELL UNREST STOP

The sender of the telegram is currently unknown, but what is clear is that the anti-Muppet theme conspiracy goes far, far deeper than was previously thought possible. A 1948 letter to President of the College Sarah Gibson Blanding, written before the theme for that year’s Founder’s Day was selected, sheds further light on the situation. It has been edited lightly for clarity and grammar, and reads as follows:

Sarah —

I will be brief, as the urgency of the situation demands it. Vassar College is in grave danger. I have recently been made aware of a movement to select “Muppits” [sic] as the theme for this year’s Founder’s Day. I am not at liberty to go into further detail, but it is absolutely imperative that you put a stop to this posthaste. The best way to quieten these disturbing tremors is to select in its place a riveting, modern theme, sure to satisfy the desires of the students; I suggest “fedoras,” “holes in socks” or “abstinence.” Act rapidly, and in absolute secrecy.

Yours,

[illegible]

That year’s Founder’s Day theme was eventually declared “Fedora Day,” and the suppression of the “Muppets” theme continued unabated. The creation of the Muppets in 1955, and the 1976 television premiere of “The Muppet Show,” added to calls for a Muppet-themed Founder’s Day, but they also served to strengthen the resolve of the anti-Muppet forces. A 1976 diary entry from College President Alan Smith clearly illustrates this phenomenon:

SEPTEMBER 19, 1976

Watched new so-called Muppet show with Trustees. The little green man sends shivers down my spine. It is clear to me that the threat we face is greater than ever before, yet never have I felt such clarity of purpose. We must be strong. Muppets will never be F.D. theme. Mackerel for dinner, again. Must talk to cook.

After that, there is a gap of 11 years in the documents; the next entry is a missive from Vassar graduate Meryl Streep ’71 to College President Frances D. Ferguson. In the letter, Streep—incensed by her portrayal on Sesame Street as the character “Meryl Sheep”—entreats Ferguson to quash the movement for a Muppet theme by any means necessary. More recently, as Founder’s Day theme selection has been democratized, the documents show that the administration has been interfering in VSA elections and the Founder’s Day committee selection process, running underhanded campaigns against pro-Muppet candidates and financially supporting their opponents.

The latest suppression campaign against the “Muppets” theme is perhaps the most brazen. The leaked emails reveal that “Muppets” was by far the most popular theme, receiving 1206 votes to 55 for “Medieval Fairytale” and none for the other options. Despite this resounding victory, however, the Founder’s Day powers-that-be once again opted to suppress the will of the people, consigning the Muppet-loving masses to another year of drudgery and profound despair. 

Yet despite all this, some Muppet-theme campaigners are still holding out hope.

“Someday, we’ll find it,” one said. “The rainbow connection; the lovers, the dreamers and me.”