“WHAATTTT!?!?” “No, I can’t hear YOU!”
On Jan. 27, 2024, scientists watched in awe as the loudest sound ever produced in the last 200,000 years was created inside the Vassar library. The sound, emitted by student Nathaniel O. B. Streperous ‘26, was the opening sentence of his three-hour phone call at a table in the library’s south wing.
Clocking in at approximately 475 decibels, the phone call topped the hydrogen bomb, the Krakatoa volcano eruption and a recent intergalactic supernova. Streperous says he is now referring to the Big Bang as just “the bang” after this incident.
Asked for comment, Streperous said he made the phone call specifically when students were studying their hardest. “I walked around the library and saw that students had finally stopped checking their phones for a couple minutes. That’s when I made the phone call that would redefine sound as we know it.”
The U.N. has condemned Streperous’ move, stating that it was likely a violation of the Geneva Conventions. But the U.N. could only provide a tentative statement because no one at the G20 Summit could hear each other after Streperous’ phone call.
Streperous has assured The Miscellany News that he was whispering. “I was being super quiet! There’s no way anyone could have heard me.”
But geological equipment has shown otherwise. The call was picked up by seismometers in California, India and Australia, and triggered warnings for inhabitants of all three locations to take shelter. The call was also so loud that it was heard by astronauts in space, despite the fact that there is no sound in space. Scientist A. S. Tonished postulated that air molecules were desperately trying to flee the library and accidentally made it into orbit, carrying Streperous’ sound in the process. “It’s most likely that the air molecules, like every student at Vassar, were trying to run away from the library phone call as fast as possible.”
Asked for an explanation for why he didn’t go to the conversation section of the library or book one of the College’s free, private reservable rooms, Streperous explained that this was the only possible place where he could have made the call. “There was nowhere else on Vassar’s 1,000-acre campus where I could make this call besides the table right next to you at the library.”
Asked for his plans for the future after the legendary incident, Streperous says he’s excited by his new fame but doesn’t intend to change much about his lifestyle. “Considering I broke an interplanetary record of noise levels, I do wish I could transfer to a house on Vassar campus that looks like it came from another planet and was named after a loud sound,” he stated.
“I think it’s time for me to make some Noyes.”