With a few perceptive remedies, We the People of the United States, in Order to form a more perfect Union, can achieve an aesthetically pleasing and geographically sensitive map. As a semi-professional cartographer and human being with two eyes, I could ramble for hours about the various failures of the U.S. map. Despite this perilous situation, I believe that hope for a better future need not be abandoned.. Below is the outline for my seven-step plan.
Step one: East West, Wast Eest; North South, Sorth Nouth
We need to start by simplifying. Big Carolina. Big Virginia. Big Dakota. Vermont and New Hampshire fuse into Vershire. Fuck it, Massachusetts gets Maine back after 204 years. Might as well throw in Rhode Island for good measure. The four corners states (Utah, Arizona, Colorado and New Mexico) become The One Corner. To put this in business terms, we’re all about horizontal integration. Finance major bros from Connecticut get it.
Step two: Panhandlez 4 dayz
Idaho’s panhandle will extend through the border into Canada until it reaches the Arctic, requiring partial annexation of our irrelevant neighbors. Sorry, eh? Unlike Nikki Haley’s fervent desire to send troops over the border into Mexico, I think that our nation should look northward; we can give Canada the state of Washington in return. Nebraska’s panhandle will finally reach the Pacific, introducing former residents of Nevada, Oregon and California to the fast food chain Runza. Since everything is bigger in Texas—including its panhandle—this territory will extend to the border of Nebraska. Apologies to Oklahoma, but they’re just not the guy for the job. The Florida Belt, an extension into Alabama, Mississippi and Louisiana, will finally be completed; this cannot divide any states in half, owing to the stipulation of our previous step. Connecticut also has a panhandle, but nobody cares.
Step three: Wyoming
Why-oming? Get it? Why is it there? Just give it to Montana. Definitely don’t give it to Connecticut. Connecticut would not be able to handle the task.
Step four: City-States
If you’re a fan of ancient Greece, Singapore or the Pope, you’re in luck! If you’re a fan of all three, something odd is going on in your head. Since anything north of the Bronx is upstate, New York will become separate from “The City,” in honor of what every annoying local calls it. “The” will be emphasized in spoken language like THE Ohio State University. Los Angeles is probably peeved that we didn’t consider them first, so they receive this designation as well. Inferiority complex alert! Chicago gets FOMO easily, so we’ll have to give it to them too. Washington D.C. is basically this sort of deal already. Shit, Houston and Phoenix are on the phone. I receive a call from an 860 number. Location: Hartford, Connecticut. I hang up.
Step five: Jenga
This is related to step one but under a unique principle: we need to balance our topsy-turvy corridors. Minnesota, Iowa, Missouri and Arkansas become The Blocks. Wisconsin, Illinois, Michigan, Indiana, Ohio, Kentucky and Tennessee add up to… something? Here’s a fresh name: Middle America, like a featureless version of Middle Earth. Maryland, Delaware and Pennsylvania are now collectively governed by the Empire of Wawa. Connecticut is double-texting to ask what will happen to them, and it’s starting to get on my nerves.
Step six: The annihilation of New Jersey
In “Beyond Good and Evil,” philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche stated that “if you gaze long enough into an abyss, the abyss will gaze back into you.” One should keep this in mind when dealing with the boundaries defining the problem area known as New Jersey. Perhaps it’s best that we just do away with the state altogether. If we get around to it, Connecticut goes on the chopping block as well. To be honest, they do not even warrant the attention of the spotlight.
Step seven: Examining the unscathed
Through faith alone, Georgia remains the same. This also applies to Hawaii and Alaska since I forgot about them. They’re just soooo far away. Regrettably, it looks like Connecticut survived the execution. I refuse to touch something poisonous, so I will be forced to leave that hellhole unchanged.
Drawing arbitrary boundaries in the process of nation-building has never gone wrong. Owing to this precedent, I’m sure everyone will be satisfied with my plan! This holistic approach avoids belittling or ignoring any state, so long as they aren’t random as hell or boring or useless or stupid or insignificant. Did I mention boring? Seriously, what even is Kansas? Unlike current regional biases dividing people by made-up lines, future generations of Americans will experience newfound tranquility through carefully curated processes of geographical re-organization. My motto has always been “better lines, better people.” An ensuing love will sweep across the land, reaching all of us. Except for those troglodytes from Connecticut. They deserve nothing.
Question: Would you consider turning renegotiating that treaty with Canada? Believe me, it’s for a good cause; I just really think it’s in America’s best interest if we expanded Oregon’s bump through the Olympic Peninsula, so the Beaver State can finally have a proper panhandle.