Lollipops. Innocent enough, right? A tasty piece of candy famous for its longevity and ease of carrying. Children love them. Doctor’s offices love them. Dentists hate them. But this seemingly innocent sweet is actually of the most insidious forms of patriarchy, presented in a sugary package.
Most candymakers are men. Kirk Vashaw, Christian Jegen, Poul Weihrauch and Willy Wonka have their hands in some of the biggest candy companies in the world. And, of course, candy is one of the most pervasive and persuasive ways that companies send subliminal messages to the masses. Rearranging the letters of “Hershey’s Chocolate” actually gives you “Big Brother is watching you,” reminding us that we live underneath the thumb of big corporations, a message ever-so-cleverly concealed in plain sight in every grocery store candy aisle. Lollipops are a different form of oppression, this time relating to gender. Lollipops are actually symbolic penises, and by eating them, we as women are accepting what the patriarchy is quite literally shoving down our throats.
Think about it. Stick attached to a ball. Need I say more? Every time a woman eats a lollipop, she takes in the intended message of male superiority. She thinks she’s licking on a piece of candy, eroding away to the sugary core, but really, she’s licking the candy of a male-dominated society, and the only thing being eroded is her personhood.
The green M&M isn’t the only candy going woke. Any self-respecting feminist knows that she must stop eating lollipops and go for a more female-friendly treat. If you put two Skittles together and squint your eyes a lot and imagine a little bit, they kind of maybe look like breasts. Female warriors, continue to consume womanly candies, and refuse to swallow for any man.
Gloria Steinem wouldn’t be caught dead eating a lollipop. Elizabeth Cady Stanton couldn’t Elizabeth-Cady-Stand them. RBG actually stood for Ruth Bisn’t Geatinglollipops. We must stand with our sisters before us and reject male power on a stick. Women, stop deepthroating the patriarchy and say no to these phallic pops.