It’s the start of a new month and, unfortunately, also the start of a new building for Vassar College. At the beginning of April, Town of Poughkeepsie building inspector Bill Donahue came to Vassar College to conduct a routine inspection of the dormitories. Upon entering Raymond House, Donahue instantly noticed that something was awry. Although all students went about their days normally, their conditions could best be described as, in layman’s terms, nothing short of a collapsing pigsty. Perhaps it was the falling ceilings on the second floor, the overflowing showers on the fourth or the multiple broken washers in the basement, but Donahue could not allow Raymond House to pass its inspection as it had in previous years. In fact, an eyewitness reported that, upon Donahue’s leaving Raymond, he eloquently declared to President Bradley, “I hate to tell ya this, Liz, but this is a s**thole. I mean, I can’t even begin to describe it. Well, if I had to start, I’d start with unlivable. These living conditions are something straight out of “Survivor.” Not even HGTV can fix this, and I love “Flip or Flop,” but this is just a flop.”
President Bradley, trying best to determine how to ameliorate this unprecedented disaster, urged Donahue to inform her what next steps to take. Donahue replied, “Arson. If I were you, I would burn it. Give it a little funeral, of course, then cremate that b***h. If you’re feeling snazzy, put it in an urn with little paintings from its recent renovation 100 years ago. Or better, blow it up. You should be proud. This would be one of the first times that blowing something up would actually do some good. But whatever you do, you cannot let it continue to house students. It is incredibly unsafe and could collapse at any moment, killing hundreds of students and roaches.”
President Bradley entreated Donahue to change his mind, even attempting to slip him $5, saying, “A little something for your troubles.” In Bradley’s defense, an entire dormitory renovation is certainly not cheap. But Donahue persisted, “Look, I know I’m just the new inspector in town. I know my predecessor, Dan Manfield, took your generous bribes and bought himself an ice cream. And I know you’re gonna hate me, but I’m lactose intolerant, so your money means nothing to me. Either this building goes kaboom or I’ll expose you on national news for keeping your students in a modern day tenement house and your whole college will go kaboom. It’s up to you.”
Processing this news, according to eyewitnesses, President Bradley released a single tear, a sign of mourning for the greatest dorm on this campus. The next morning, Vassar College issued a statement that all students of Raymond House must evacuate immediately. These students will move into Gordon Commons, finding refuge in the misshapen tables that no longer hold food, but rather, food for thought about the importance of appropriate living conditions. These students will not be compensated for their inconvenience. Rather, tuition will be raised by 200 percent, going into effect next week. Naturally, 99 percent of this tuition will be delegated to planting new flowers to distract from the incoming dirt pile that will be Raymond House. The other 1 percent will be split among various necessary improvements, including a new ice machine for Davison House’s basement. A whopping $300 will go toward renovating Raymond, providing ample funds for a door and a few chairs to replace the dorm’s previous grandeur.
Though many residents of Raymond House are dismayed by this unfortunate news, I urge them to think on the bright side: Not only will Raymond be restored in a timely manner, but now, due to its general lack of infrastructure, it will no longer need an elevator, meaning that for the first time in Vassar’s history, Raymond residents will live stairs-free. I hope all residents of Raymond House can embrace this new chapter in the life of Vassar College and not only relax their legs but also relax their minds because this college does not have adequate funding to face being sued again. On that note, students, please remember to keep both your wallets and your mouths shut if you want to have a pleasant final month of the academic year. And happy belated Easter, I hope all those who celebrated had a blessed holiday!