The Miscellany News

Today, a bat flew over my suitemate as she exited the elevator in Jewett House. “It caused literal heart palpitations; I will never be the same,” said Olivia Salva ’25. We then barricaded ourselves in our room and called the Campus Response Center (CRC) to no avail. A troubleshooter would be called, but we were unsure of what day they would arrive to address the rather immediate situation.

But, contrary to popular opinion, mice and bats are not a problem of our old buildings or lack of support services to deal with live, rabid animals. No. It is an unseized economic opportunity for both students and the College to benefit from. We should charge room and board to the creatures who currently live rent-free. 

Everybody wins. Students will no longer pay the impending tuition hike, with mice and bats bearing the charges. For the administration, it is even better. As the administration continues to build, mouse and bat subsidies would enable newer buildings to be funded. Raymond can wait to be renovated. The mice cannot wait.

“I love this proposal; the College is always looking to expand our wealth—sorry, I meant our community,” Dean of Finding Ways to Increase Tuition Helene Carr said.

I concur—this is not only a financial success, it is a story of humanity and upholding Vassar’s values. These creatures deserve the right to housing like we students do.

The Miscellany News was rudely interrupted in the midst of an interview by students who blurted, “A mouse chewed through my bags and food in my Main double on the third floor” and “A mouse gave birth in my shoe freshman year.” According to Nature, mice have never, ever hurt a person. Nor do rats, according to the many rat content creators on my Instagram feed. These types of people who lack inclusivity make cohabitation impossible, firmly upholding the ivory tower. 

But while attending a panel on the future of the liberal arts, Dean of Admissions Eve Lockwood argued that in addition to housing, the creatures are truly in search of a selective liberal arts education in the scenic Hudson Valley. “I don’t blame the mice or the bats. Vassar is getting harder and harder to get into. College, especially a liberal arts college, is a privilege. Charging them tuition could solve this. It’s a win-win.” 

While I was initially skeptical, I remembered that Vassar pioneered the way for women to get an education when the Ivies would not allow women to enroll. These creatures deserve a home, yes, but more importantly, an education—a liberal arts education at that. Plus, student loans are more accessible than ever. 

But why stop at charging them for housing and tuition? The mice certainly have not restricted their prowess to these categories of student life. 

“I saw a mouse in [Gordon Commons],” wrote an anonymous Fizz user in January 2024. A following post attached a video of said mouse by the Kosher station. What another great economic opportunity—mice should be on the meal plan! The economic possibilities are endless; soon we could merge with the Culinary Institute of America. Personally, I cannot wait for the the Class of 2028 to be accepted into Vassar. Among them is Remy from “Ratatouille.” Students like Remy, a cultural icon, could represent the next generation of trailblazing scholars, but only if given the chance. 

Now, this is the equality and economic viability that our glorious founder Matthew Vassar, God rest his soul, would have wanted when he opened this school for women (but did not want them to vote). Only then, once we upcharge exclusive, interdisciplinary education to the mice and bats of Vassar, will Matty V ascend from this mortal plane to the next. 

Britta Perry, Community College Ph.D., wisely noted, “I can excuse racism, but I draw the line at animal cruelty.” Vassar has already made substantial progress toward honoring this powerful ethos. It is about time we students demand change to further this legacy by matriculating and charging tuition to the mice and bats who have long called Vassar their home.