As a philosophy major, I’m often asked what I will do with my future degree. This is perfect, given that I love thinking about difficult, near-unsolvable questions that require a great deal of effort to grasp. What even is the true essence of being employed?
Unfortunately, ruminating doesn’t pay the bills, and concerned loved ones are starting to demand answers. Since philosophy students tend to just ask our professors additional questions instead of solving existing problems, creating employment solutions has been rough on my mind. After trudging through the minefields of online job postings with my thinking cap on, I have compiled a list of some jobs fit (and unfit) for my studies. Here are the best and the worst:
The best: Barista
It’s kind of like synthesizing information (drink-order ingredients) based on assumed true premises (your drink order) in order to overcome inherent contradictions present in the given situation (the fact that your customer is back after saying he’d NEVER come back). Philosophers are only bested in this field by film students and [insert field here] studies majors aka aspiring latte artists.
The best: Philosopher king
Okay, I’ll admit it, there were no postings for this one. But I’d be perfect for it. Hell, Plato said so in “The Republic.” That’s right, the Plato. The ancient one. Not the children’s modeling compound, Play-Doh™.
The best: Jobless
Diogenes is said to have lived in a wine cask on the streets and he still ended up with a Wikipedia page. Who’s to say what constitutes “shelter,” “warmth,” “food” or any of those other societal constructs. As a featherless biped, I need a lot of free time for the ruthless criticism of everything existing anyways.
The worst: Law school
Everyone thinks philosophy majors are good at this, but the suggestion is just code for “you’re really argumentative and annoying.” Maybe you’ll bite the bullet and do this if you’re considering the “applicability” or “return on investment” related to your degree, but that seems kinda desperate. I mean, what if you get into law school and suddenly a position for philosopher king opens up at Hegel & Horkheimer LLC? You won’t catch me lacking like that.
The worst: Government
Philosophy is often recommended for policy types who like to creatively solve society’s most pressing, complicated legislative issues. Unfortunately, this ignores the fact that philosophy is actually about inventing new problems, which are to be half-solved through dubious models and dodgy concepts. What else is there left for us to do if you keep trying to fix everything!
The worst: Professor
The only thing I know is that I know nothing. Sorry guys, class dismissed. Make sure to do that reading for Wednesday.
Conclusion
The possibilities of philosophy seemed endless at one point, but I have to admit that the actual prospects are limited. I mean, who even studies philosophy to get into law school? Oh well, maybe one day they’ll have ThinkedIn for us. We could finally investigate what it really means to get experience on your resume. For now, to quote Wittgenstein, “Whereof one cannot speak, thereof one must be silent.” I’ll bracket this for later and try to focus on that thought I have due at midnight. Hmm…huh…