Your roommate’s a nice enough person. They’ve got a mini-fridge, a toaster, a box fan and a drinking problem—all the things that at least one of you has to bring. But you’ve been talking with your friend across the hall and it’s becoming increasingly clear that your roommate has a flaw: They’ve been having a Muppet over basically every night, and it’s wreaking havoc on your sleep schedule. Let’s review.
Monday, August 26.
This was the day you met your roommate. They gave off a good first impression. But you’re pretty sure they were eyeing up a sophomore during the Stufel group meal. And that sophomore? Fozzy Bear.
Tuesday, August 27.
When you were writing the roommate agreement form, they refused to include a no-pets clause. They said they planned on, at the very least, having a frog in the room.
Wednesday, August 28.
You came home from the Lantern Walk to find your roommate giving Big Bird a “room tour.” But since when does that require running their hands through his feathers? And why in the dark?
Saturday, September 7.
Davison parties: great vibe. Best drunk basement experience since “The Cask of Amontillado”. But wait—is that your roommate? On the ping-pong table? With…oh my God, that’s Gonzo. Jesus Christ. You can’t stay.
At midnight, you were woken up by your roommate. They stumbled in wearing a yellow shirt with chili peppers. You’ve definitely seen it before–on Gonzo.
Sunday, September 8.
You decided to get breakfast with your roommate. They decided to invite Count von Count. They mentioned they were taking two math classes this semester. He mentioned that, as a vampire, this was bedtime for him.
Turns out, he counts when doing the deed. Loudly. You can hear it from the MPR.
Wednesday, September 11.
You caught Cookie Monster walking down your hallway. He doesn’t live in your dorm. When you opened the door to your room, your roommate was awkwardly covering up with their blanket. There were crumbs in the bed.
You can’t wait for room changes to open up.