When scrolling through Fizz recently, I came across a thought-provoking question: “Does anyone else feel like they haven’t found their ‘people’ yet, even though they have friends?” This sentiment resonated with many of my peers, who felt there was an element missing in some of their friendships, but no one could figure out why it was. This prompted me to reflect on what we seek in friendships and what we hope to gain in them.
When I asked people what they thought made the perfect friendship, the words comfortability and familiarity were thrown around a lot. It seems as though when we were younger, making friends was easy. We were not worried about vulnerability in front of strangers. We were who we were. As we navigated childhood, our friendships helped shape our identities. There was no pressure to match someone’s energy; we just clicked. In high school, our friendships were defined by the things we were a part of: extracurriculars, sports, etc. We were all at the same place at the same time every weekday. The continuous close proximity fostered familiarity and allowed friendships to grow. This feeling of familiarity shifted in college. College introduces a diverse group of people with different cultures, backgrounds and experiences. While this allows us to explore and learn new things through friendships, it also introduces the deep complexities of each individual. How do we navigate matching someone’s energy completely?
Media plays an important role in how we think about friendships. In “Sex and The City”, Carrie, Charlotte, Miranda and Samantha are four pieces of a puzzle. Each person contributes to the friendship in their own way: Carrie brings her problems with men and Mr. Big, Charlotte provides support and takes the role as the ‘mother’, Miranda brings the realistic perspective and Samantha encourages her girls to just have fun. The different personalities complement each other to create a meaningful friendship. There’s a comfortability between the four women—feeling at home. We all want to be our truest selves with our closest friends; we want to be able to laugh without thinking about it, we want people to support our passions and appreciate a late-night cartwheel on Library Lawn (I have done this so many times). Friendship shouldn’t feel uneasy or awkward.
Currently, I am a part of many communities on campus. I work as a Support, Advocacy and Violence Prevention (SAVP) intern, am an executive board member of three organizations and am a full-time student. I cannot find myself going to the Deece without stopping and chatting with people; it is a part of Vassar’s culture. But while conversations with friends bring me joy, I resonated with the sentiment that I still have not found the person I can truly be myself with. In some of my friendships, I noticed that there can be pockets of space with awkwardness or uneasiness. I had never felt like this before, and it seemed overwhelming. I recognized that I had people to talk to about it with: my friends! I also realized that I often compare college friendships to friendships with hometown friends, which was the problem. It was unfair to compare lifelong friendships to ones that blossomed only a year ago.
Ultimately, not everyone has the same ideas about friendships. College is a transitional phase where everyone is figuring out how they mold themselves in the world. With assignments, classes and extracurriculars, finding “your people” can sometimes take time. This is probably advised a lot, but join new clubs, acapella groups, or a sport. Step out of your comfort zone: you never know who you might be at the end of the year or who you might be friends with. With the friends you have, be patient. It takes time for people to open up and share deep things. Know that you are never alone.