Earlier this month, I decided I was going to run for VSA. I had a nice suit, a solid platform and a set of controversies queued up that would have made for great articles. Alas, the dictatorial Vassar admin had other plans. They banned me, citing “a wild misunderstanding of what the position entails” and “a stated unwillingness to act according to any and all senatorial duties.” Whatever those mean. Nevertheless, I held onto my list of promises—and will post them here for you, in the hopes that you might pressure your future VSA senators to adopt a few.
Less seating in the Deece.
This would promote togetherness.
Shave a couple floors off the top of Jewett.
I just think they ought to be knocked down a peg.
Open diplomatic talks with rats in Raymond. For too long, humankind and ratkind have hated each other. With me on the VSA, this conflict could finally end.
Monkey Mondays! A troop of wild baboons would liven up the beginning of the week.
Adopt a scorched-earth approach to sustainability. Self-explanatory.
Change mascot to the Vassar Velociraptors. So much cooler than “Brewers,” plus it alliterates.
Return to women-only by 2030. Estradiol will be provided in the Deece for those committed to staying.
Ask theater kids to tone it down. We love ‘em, but we’ve all been thinking it.
Legalize gay marriage. You’re welcome, Vassar.
Drunkenly attempt to fistfight rugby players. I’m a woman of the people, and the people must be entertained with violence.
Buy a clown car for the Fireflies. A circus arts club without clowns is like an angel without wings.
Erect a zipline between Davi and Lath. Because who wants to walk across the quad in February?
Demand more picture books in the library. Even STEM majors deserve things to read.
Establish a lounge for sexiled roommates. For when you have a test tomorrow, and your roommate’s situationship is getting weirder.
More seating in the Deece. This would promote social distancing.