From the creators of “The Making of Meryl” and “Sex Tree: Uprooted” comes a new show: “Wife Swap: Rayvison.” In this series, we’ll take a Raymond freshman and a Davison freshman, have them swap rooms for a week and see what wacky hijinks they get up to!
Day 1
JOHN, DAVI FRESHMAN: Yeah, I’ve heard Raymond isn’t the best, but how bad can it really be? It’s a quad dorm just like Davi. I’m excited to try something new.
CAROLINE, RAYMOND FRESHMAN: I hope they have walls in Davi. My room doesn’t have any.
Caroline and John moved into each other’s rooms. Up first? Meeting the roommates.
TIMOTHÉE, JOHN’S ROOMMATE: I was very excited to meet Caroline! I’m not going to be around a ton this week because I have to film “Dune 3”, but I hope she has a great time in Davi!
EVELYN, CAROLINE’S ROOMMATE: squeak squeak squeak hiss hiss squeak squeak.
JOHN: I think Evelyn is a rat.
CAROLINE: I can’t keep cheese in the room because Evelyn just eats it all. I asked Timothée to please not eat my cheese, and he says he’s off dairy because he needs to maintain his six pack for “Little Women 2: Even Smaller.” Did I mention that he thinks shirts are constricting? He doesn’t like wearing them in the room, so he just struts around all day with his slutty little abs out on full display.
Day 2
Dorm community is a key part of any living experience. Let’s see what John and Caroline have to say about their hallmates.
CAROLINE: Everyone here is so friendly! All my new neighbors introduced themselves and told me to let them know if I need anything at all.
JOHN: Somebody hissed at me the minute I stepped into Raymond. This evening, I found this ominous letter written from cut-up magazines that says “DIE DAVI SCUM.” And then tonight when I got into bed I found a horse head on my pillow. Now I need to wash my sheets to get all the blood off.
Day 3
Speaking of washing clothes, take a look at how the first foray into the laundry room went for each of our freshmen.
JOHN: I put my bloody sheets into the washing machine, and when I came back after 30 minutes when my timer went off someone had put them in the garbage to make room for their clothes.
CAROLINE: I came down the stairs with my clothes and I was going to put them into the machine, when someone gently placed their hand over mine and took my clothes from me. Turns out Davi has laundry attendants who wash your stuff for you! When I got my laundry back everything was so soft and smelled like lavender.
JOHN: Evelyn chewed holes in all my clothes, and I know it was her because I came back from class and she had my favorite T-shirt in her mouth.
Day 4
Can’t have a laundry room without…a basement!
CAROLINE: I stepped into the Davi basement and my skin started clearing up, my hair got smoother, and everyone thought I was more funny and beautiful. I’ve never seen a nicer space before. Every other room I’ve been in pales in comparison. I played ping pong, watched soccer, got a snack from the Michelin-starred vending machine and basked in the glow of the pearly gates.
JOHN: I heard screams of pain coming from behind a door in the Raymond basement when I was trying to find the laundry room. Then, I smelled the worst smell I’ve ever smelled in my whole life from behind another door. I also saw some people carrying a bag that was really suspiciously body-shaped. I cannot believe people live like this.
Day 5
Have John and Caroline not peed for five days? Worry not: they have, we just haven’t checked in until now.
JOHN: The layout of the Raymond bathrooms are so confusing. There’s a bathtub in mine, and I think on the second floor there’s a toilet inside a shower. There are also no sinks in this one, so you have to wash your hands in the shower, even if someone’s already in there.
CAROLINE: I didn’t know this school had bidets. I’ve never felt more cleansed.
Day 6
Both John and Caroline live on the fourth floor. Let’s see how they feel about their elevators.
CAROLINE: The Davi elevator is like riding a magic carpet up to your room. They even offer in-flight entertainment and complimentary snacks and beverages.
JOHN: In Raymond, you have to twirl seven times, do a little dance, say a prayer, wish upon a star, click your heels five times and then hand crank the elevator to get it to work.
Day 7
On the final day of the swap, we’re checking in with John and Caroline as to how their week on the wild side went.
CAROLINE: I’m a different person now than I was seven days ago. I feel enlightened and transformed. Sounds are louder. Colors are brighter. Smells are more fragrant. I feel nothing but gratitude towards my time in Davison house, and while I’ll miss it, I’m excited to see what the future holds.
JOHN: I think I’m growing a tail.
Thanks for tuning in to “Wife Swap: Rayvison.” Up next: “Romeo and Juliet: A TA / TH Love Story.”