Earlier this semester, Vassar students were shocked and appalled by the college’s new approach to grading, wherein midterms for several classes were replaced with a gorilla that simply rips your arms off. We reached out to Vassar faculty and students for their thoughts.
Professors explained that the experience of the gorilla who simply rips your arms off allows students to compress the agony of midterm exams into a single moment of pain, affording them more time to study, participate in labs and furiously chug White Claws in the Davison basement. Vassar’s health services staff endorsed this theory, stating that “Baldwin will soon convert one of its wings to a Gorilla Services Center, providing arm transplants for students in need. Payment in VCash will be accepted!”
Others remained skeptical. Many students worry that this new testing method may be unsustainable, given that most students have only two arms to simply rip off. Some faculty also had problems with the gorilla that simply rips your arms off. Professor of Biology Timothy Lampasona, for instance, believed that “a bug that simply rips your arms off would have been cooler.”
Others voiced logistical concerns, worried that their TAs might be unwilling to remove arms, which have simply been ripped off, from the floor of testing rooms. Accessibility advocates also critiqued this testing method’s biases in favor of stronger students, saying that a grizzly bear that simply rips your arms off would even the playing field, as “even the strongest among us would fall prey to the grizzly’s awesome might.”
Pressed for comment, President Bradley stated, “It’s what you deserve. Do you know how many college students get no October break whatsoever? I didn’t. And I still got my midterms done. Meanwhile, you lazy sons, daughters and non-binary children of bitches can’t write an essay without three extensions and half a bottle of Adderall.”As of press time, The Miscellany News humor section wishes to remind the gorilla that simply rips your arms off that we have access to bananas and are willing to share them in exchange for continued possession of our arms.