The Halloween spirit has endured, despite the tent party’s conclusion. Naked goblins have swarmed campus and are wreaking havoc all over. They’re leaving the doors of the Noyes elevator open. They’re going out the middle door of the Deece. They’re chanting goblin insults and sticking their tongues out at freshmen. It’s bedlam out there. Something must be done.
Students have mixed opinions of the goblin apocalypse, or goblinpocalypse for short. “I’m okay with goblins, I just don’t like that they’re naked. It makes me uncomfortable,” said Maria Milovanovic ’27. While being interviewed, Milovanovic revealed a notebook full of drawings of goblins wearing clothes. Her dream is to become a goblin fashion designer and she was an awestruck audience member at the Victoria’s Goblin fashion show this year.
“I’m okay with nudity, but I don’t like goblins. I’d be perfectly fine with naked imps everywhere but goblins give me the heebie-jeebies,” said Ben Timberlake ’27. Timberlake is not faring well in these trying, goblin-filled times, and has taken to trembling in corners whenever goblins scamper by him.
The Vassar Student Association (VSA) is working on passing a resolution to clothe all the goblins, although there’s been some dissent among both goblins and students in response. “Nudity is a key part of the goblin lifestyle,” said Gorp, a goblin diplomat. “Our culture is NO costume. To clothe us is to strip us of our dignity.” Goblin rights groups everywhere have taken notice and are making a fuss. People for the Ethical Treatment of Goblins (PETG) are calling for mandatory goblin education in schools across the country, chanting “GOBLINS ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOES!” It’s unclear if anybody else is taking this stance.
“I don’t know why the VSA is working on clothing the goblins and not getting rid of them. What is wrong with them? Why are they being so stupid?” said an exasperated student who wished to remain anonymous for fear of the VSA’s wrath.
“Personally, I think everyone needs to loosen up. I think we can all learn a little something from the goblins and maybe we should all take our clothes off,” said an anonymous and honestly kind of perverted student. Few others share this viewpoint, and many are just hoping for some peace, tranquility and significantly less goblin genitalia in the future.
Upon further investigation, it appears that the goblins were summoned via an incantation. “That’s how we’re always summoned,” said Dirf, a goblin. “Someone says the incantation, does the magic dance, makes a little sacrifice and then poof! Here we are. I wish I knew who did it this time. I always wonder why anyone would want us. I guess I never quite feel like people want to be around me. I think it goes back to my childhood, when my father would…” [Here, Dirf broke out into sobs and had to be comforted by other goblins, who said that this is a sensitive subject that he’s working on with his therapist.] Nevertheless, he’s revealed crucial information; someone summoned the goblins on purpose.
Who would do such a thing? Who would set hundreds of goblins upon campus, causing terror and mayhem wherever they go? Clearly, someone out there is really trying to get into the Halloween spirit. Someone who loves the holiday. Someone who was seen having the time of his life dancing in the tent. That’s right: John Bradley.
John Bradley, President Bradley’s husband, is often overshadowed by his wife. She’s the public face of the marriage and he has fewer things on his plate. This leads him to hobbies such as knitting, painting and horseback riding. However, a little-known fact is that above all, John Bradley loves mischief.
Further digging and inquiry to the library staff reveals that John Bradley recently checked out a book entitled “Naked Goblins and How to Summon Them.” It’s unclear why he checked out this specific book, as “Clothed Goblins and How to Summon Them” was on the shelf right next to it. The librarians say they’re planning on removing both books from circulation.
“Yeah, you got me,” said John Bradley when cornered and interrogated while hammocking on the quad. “It was me. I summoned the goblins. I’ve always wanted to try it, and this was just the perfect opportunity. Everyone was distracted by the tent and nobody saw me sneak off to do a little incantation. I know they’re causing chaos all over campus, but you have to admit, it’s funny.”
It’s a little funny. John Bradley handed over his borrowed copy of “Naked Goblins and How to Summon Them,” to The Miscellany News, and after a thorough reading, we’ve determined how to summon the goblins. To begin, one must wait for the perfect night. It must be a cool forty-ish degrees and a night of revelry. This creates the proper atmosphere for the goblins to appear because they love fun and they thrive in colder temperatures. Then, the summoner must recite the incantation snilbog snilbog esaelp raeppa, snilbog snilbog wohs sevlesruoy, snilbog snilbog emoc ot em! After that, they must do the ritual dance of the ancient lean and dab. Lastly, they must make a sacrifice: A bottle of Mike’s Hard Lemonade and a lock of hair. Once these steps are completed, the goblins will appear and begin their mischief making for one week exactly.
“I don’t really know what we’re up to after this,” said Robert, a goblin. “Wherever the wind takes us, I guess. I hope we get summoned somewhere a little more hype than this, if I’m being honest. What you guys call a party is quite frankly pathetic.”
It’s been rumored that campus security is already brainstorming anti-goblin safety measures to make sure next year’s Halloweekened is goblin-free (although likely not nudity free).