Excitement gripped the community late last week, after religion major Claire Voillant’s prediction of the future (“Strong fire alarm will go off, like, six times tonight”) was proven true. Finally taken seriously after years of mockery, Vouillant (whom readers may know as “Magic Douche” or “the stupendous psychic shithead”) was eager to share more of her prophecies with The Miscellany News.
The Miscellany News: So can you give us, like, an overview of the whole next couple centuries or so?
CV: Oh, sure, yeah! So, twenty years hence, the end will come, and a rain of fire will scour the surface of the earth, and a roiling lightning storm will rage for millennia unending, and the brine of the seas will rise higher and higher, drowning the living—righteous and evil alike—until it is more blood than water. But before that, they’re gonna make a sixth “Ghostbusters” movie and it’ll be kinda mediocre.
The Misc: What?
CV: Yeah, they cast Timothee Chalamet, but his heart’s not in it. This is right after he marries and then divorces Zendaya and—shit, did I mention that polygamy is legalized? Crazy, right? Anyway—
The Misc: No, like, we only have 20 years to live? How will we know when the time is at hand?
CV: Yep, 20 years. In the third season of 2044, a horned man will descend from the boreal forest, claiming to be the successor to the Ten Virtuous Kings of ages past; bearing a strange and terrible scepter, he will conquer each of the nations of man. Canada will go first, which sucks, because poutine is gonna be, like, a huge thing online, for some reason? So… yeah, horned man, nations of mankind perish, poutine.
The Misc: Is there—is there anything we can do to stop it?
CV: No.
The Misc: What? What the fuck? So, we’re all just living on borrowed time?
CV: Yeah, more or less.
Anyway, other stuff… Microsoft brings back the Zune, we cure prostate cancer and a great serpent rises from within the earth to swallow the moon. Oh, and you know how we keep trying to resurrect mammoths? We finally get it right, but then it turns out they’re just really mean, which is why we killed them all the first time.
The Misc: … Does anyone survive?
CV: No, we kill all the mammoths. I told you, they’re jerks.
The Misc: … Do any humans survive the coming apocalypse?
CV: Oh yeah, a couple. Me, Jake from my stats class, Johnny Cash for some reason…
The Misc: Johnny Cash is dead already.
CV: Oh, we find a cure for that too. But they destroy all the necromancy pods after some joker brings back Mao and no one can figure out how to deal with him.
The Misc: Why didn’t you mention this? What the fuck?
CV: Well, it doesn’t really become relevant until a while after the United States collapsed, and I figured you mostly just cared about the stuff from before.
The Misc: Oh, it finally collapses? Dope, I was waiting on that.
Anyway, I feel like I shouldn’t know this, but… do I survive the apocalypse? How long do I live? Should I be saying goodbye to my family?
CV: Oh, no, you bite it super hard, like, three years from now. You find out that you’re not getting into grad school and you kinda flip out. Then, you remember this interview. The awareness that our universe is completely deterministic pushes you over the edge, and then…
The Misc: I… you know… end my life?
CV: Oh, shit, no! No, that’d be a bummer. In an unrelated international poutine incident, the Turkish government launches a missile with a faulty targeting system, and you perish in the blast.
The Misc: And all this happens because I realize the universe is deterministic from this interview?
CV: Mostly, yeah.
The Misc: Why would you agree to it, then?
CV: Whoops.