Controversies abound in Washington this week after an investigation revealed that “Blossom”—one of two turkeys pardoned by President Joe Biden this year—was a convicted murderer, robber and polygamist. Biden has expressed his regrets over the decision in a recent press conference.
“I fucked up big time,” the President said. “I wish I could say that we as Americans must not live in fear. But I’m gonna be real with you guys—living in fear is probably your best option right now. In a just world, Blossom would be dead. I ask you to forgive me for making this world an unjust one.” When asked what the federal government will do to stop Blossom, Biden said, “Nothing can be done. When you pardon a turkey, it retains legal immunity until death. It’s one of those old-timey constitutional mistakes, like the Second Amendment.”
Hunter Biden was especially distraught to hear the news, asking, “What does this say about me? I mean,” he said, pausing for another line of cocaine, “he pardoned a murderer before his own son!” After a five-minute hooker break, Hunter concluded that his father had acted “totally unprofessionally. But then again, he’s always been the screw-up of the Biden family.”
An anonymous source within the White House revealed that Biden’s team has been thrown into chaos by the announcement. “The American populace will never support a political party that aligns itself with convicted criminals,” said one staffer. Another worried that “things are looking bad for Biden 2028.”
Asked to comment, Blossom said simply, “I will kill again.”
Bold lies! Blossom killed 13 viewers of the pardoning immediately after the cameras stopped rolling.