Vassar students arrived back from holiday break to find one last freshly unwrapped present awaiting them here on campus. In the six weeks we were gone, the new admissions building has shed its housewrap to reveal an exterior that we can call neither sleek nor rustic, maximalist nor minimalist. What we do know is that the Dede Thompson Bartlett Center for Admission and Career Education (which we’ll surely all start calling “the Dede” sooner or later) is sending shock waves rippling across campus as students, faculty and the more seasoned structures on the block share mixed reactions.
“The vision for it came to me in a dream,” said alumnus architect Ingmar Bjørnifjordismorgenscharliekirkegaardsdottirson. “Actually, it was not so much of a dream as a manifestation of life and death which appeared to me in the form of the sun reflected off the waves of the Baltic Sea.”
This imagery is reflected in how the building is a really weird shape.
In an opening ceremony shortly before the start of the semester, President Bradley introduced the new building to a gathered assembly of construction workers and admissions officers.
“This new building represents a turning point for Vassar admissions. I want this innovative, fresh face to tell potential applicants the moment they step on campus: ‘Welcome to Vassar. We’re not like the rest of Poughkeepsie.’”
However, not everyone, or everywhere, on campus, is so enthusiastic. It seems that the admissions center has caused quite the divide as other Vassar buildings voice conflicting opinions about the new addition.
“It’s a complete disgrace,” commented Rockefeller “Rocky” Hall. “I know John would have hated it.”
“All that wood is making me nervous,” commented Jewett, standing suspiciously erect. “You know my fire alarms like to go off ;).”
“It’s nice to see more interesting architecture on campus! Maybe now, people won’t make fun of me all the time,” commented Chicago “the Lasagna” Hall.
“I love it,” said the old admissions building, surprising everyone with its maturity and grace. “No, really. It’s great if you’re into that sort of look. Yeah, no, I totally get it. I mean, obviously, we’re very different, but I’m sure there was some reason why they wanted the first building that newcomers see on campus to not look as good as me. OMG wait, that came out so wrong lol.”
Reactions aside, the new admissions building has been facing unexpected challenges now that the semester is underway. In a recent incident, the track team, sore after a grueling sprint to Central Receiving and back, mistook the center for a sauna and were dismayed to find that the only steam the building produced was the kind they pump into the waiting room to keep tour groups sleepy and docile.
Additionally, staff have been working to dislodge a family of Upper East Side Manhattaners from beneath the floorboards where they have burrowed for the winter in the misguided belief that the building is actually a luxurious ski chalet.
The center’s suspiciously Scandinavian look has even attracted the attention of internet conspiracy theorists who posit that the admissions building is in league with popular coffee shop Fika and Hygge in an Arlington-based Scandinavian counterattack to Trump’s Greenland annexation bid. In response to these concerns, the president posted on Truth Social:
“The SOCIALIST Demarkians and Norwasians are trying to INVADE the Great State of New York. I call on the NOBEL PEACE PRIZE Committee and NATO to put a STOP to this DANGEROUS and UNAMERICAN architecture style.”
Shortly thereafter, New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani commented in defense of the new building on the people’s proletarian social media forum, Fizz:
“The United Caliphate of Zohranistan encourages little brother Poughkeepsie to embrace the democratic socialist ideals of the Scandinavian people. Glory to ABBA!!”
This interaction has divided the nation as the socialist, pro-new admissions center camp continues, and MAGA dissidents continue to bicker. Amidst all this political scandal, President Bradley has opted to release one final statement to put all the uproar to rest. “To all those who seek to assign political meaning to our new admissions building, I will say the same thing I do to anyone who chooses to attack institutions of higher learning from behind the safety of a screen: omfg get a jobbbbbb.”