Ask Banner actually assists students with preregistration
Dear Banner, I know that I am supposed to a mature college kid capable of choosing my classes, but sometimes it is hard for me to get past my inner…
Humor & Satire
College rodent writes home to his family
The other day, my roommate and I heard a lot of scratching and scrabbling noises. We didn’t think that it was anything out of the ordinary, as we’ve suffered through…
New SAT structure readies students for dystopian future
For years now, college admissions officers across the country have been vying for an admissions process capable of completely breaking the spirits of high school students. This past year,…
Pleasures from eating bacon far outstrip any health risks
The news broke and shook the world like the way a pig’s belly shakes as it walks around. Bacon, among many of our other favorite meats, has been declared a…
“I declared” button sophomore’s only motivation to choose major
Alright, today’s the day. I’m going to declare my major! Will this decision have a lasting impact on the rest of my life? Probably. I’m a responsible adult. I’m just…
Hide your crippling social anxiety under fun costumes
As you all must have heard by now, unless you haven’t left your dorm since returning from October Break (and if this is you, I genuinely hope things get better…
Trump card: 10 new policies Bernie Sanders should start
So far in the 2016 U.S. Presidential Race, Senator Bernie “Feel the Burn” Sanders has been climbing the polls. People left and right (read: left and left) have been frantically…
Babysitter studies existential crises within Frog and Toad
Over October break, I went back to my summer job. This statement is proof of how words can be misleading. What I really did was babysit again for the family…
Millenial voters’ political knowledge based on gifs
Today it is my task to discuss the Democratic Debate, according to Zander. Now, please take my word as law here, since I am an impartial third party. So impartial,…
Parents struggling to decide on children’s genetic future
In the ultra-competitive world of secondary education, anxious parents are seeking new ways to shove their kids to the top of the academic food chain. However, it is often not…