March—the month of mad. This angry period is accentuated by two college basketball tournaments in which the maddest team wins, a festival known as “March Madness.” Yet year after year, I watch as college coaches overlook the maddest individuals in society and instead seek out tall high school students to play on their Division I basketball teams. This is the strategy of losers. If I were a collegiate basketball coach, I would build a team made up of only the angriest players who could collectively win any March tournament. But who really is the most mad this March? That is what I hope to answer below.
The Banshees of Inisherin
Oh! They must be so wound up this March! Despite getting nine Oscar nominations (an average of 2.3 nominations per Banshee), they didn’t win a single one! They must be fuming. Their gears thoroughly grinded! I only have so many positions for this basketball team, so I will select Colin Farrell’s character, who, in a deleted scene, made twenty consecutive three-pointers after the death of his pet donkey. Colin Farrell’s character will be playing center.
Al Gore
Here’s a guy who lost an election 23 years ago that he probably should have won, but due to a series of unfortunate events in the state of Florida, he did not. If I were Al Gore, I would still be pretty mad. In my mind, Al Gore had two options after such a devastating loss—one, spend the next four years working on a campaign for the 2004 presidential election, or two, put all of his anger into getting really good at basketball. Seeing as he did not run again in 2004, a democratic primary cycle that was led by two dudes named John and zero dudes named Al, I can only assume he spent those four years attempting to reignite his short-lived college basketball career. Al Gore has had 23 years to prepare for a basketball comeback—now is the time to unleash his anger on the court. Al Gore will play back-up center on the team.
Oscar the Grouch
This guy is always blowing a gasket, his madness only exacerbated by his decision to live perpetually amongst garbage. Mr. the Grouch’s anger is well documented on “Sesame Street,” but something far less discussed on the show is his impressive 88-percent success rate at the free throw line. I would be shaking in my boots if I were the Kentucky Wildcats basketball coach. Oscar will be playing shooting guard.
The Ball
No college basketball player can be as mad as the ball. One day, the ball was just sitting in a warehouse in Delaware, and then suddenly it’s picked up and repeatedly slapped into a hard floor, then thrown in the air in front of thousands of yelling people. If I were the ball, I would kick a rock, or maybe set someone’s house on fire, as Colin Farrell’s character does in “The Banshees of Inisherin.” The ball will play power forward.
There will also be a second basketball, of course, serving as the game ball, the one that isn’t playing power forward. I’m hoping this two-basketball scheme will confuse the other team. You might be wondering about the rules in all of this, and what I would suggest is that, following “Air Bud” logic, there’s no rule saying a basketball can’t play basketball.
The Gears
Here’s a question—why is everybody grinding them? They must be just sick of it. If I were one of those gears, I would punch a mirror, like Colin Farrell did in “The Banshees of Inisherin.” No more Mr. Nice Gear. One of the gears will play point guard, and the other will play small forward. The rest of the gears will be on the bench, ahead of Al Gore.
Well, there you have it—a team of champions that could beat any college team. I wish you a mad remainder of March, and an even angrier April! If you keep it up, maybe you, too, could play collegiate basketball.