As Sam Cooke once said, “A change is gonna come,” and come it has. The famous hands-free machines featured in the Deece that often would fail at their simple job of dispensing condiments have been replaced by reasonably priced pump-action dispensers. The hands-free machines gave the impression that they were the future of ketchup dispensing with blocky, stainless steel exteriors and neon blue electronic displays that didn’t actually display anything, but lacked the functionality to back such a claim.
Before deciding to return to pump dispensers, Vassar College Dining first considered whether removing students even further from physical contact with the dispensers would help with dispensing issues. They looked at $20,000 telekinesis-powered models where students would command the ketchup, mayo and mustard to dispense by carefully directing mental waves at the dispensers, in a similar fashion to how Aquaman might command fish. They eventually decided going back to the pump style would be more cost-effective.
A Vassar College Dining Instagram post described the details of the change to the student body in a Notes app screenshot: “We are sorry for the pain that the hands-free machines may have caused. While we have made the decision to replace them, we also stand by the belief that the dispensers had a 100 percent success rate during their tenure when used properly, and that it was rather students’ general ineptitude which caused the machines to fail. To be clear, the problem was that your pea-sized brains simply couldn’t handle the concept of not touching a condiment dispenser to make it work. In the midst of learning the complexities of counterpoint and multivariable calculus, you have unlearned how to operate basic machines. To put it in words your pea-sized brains can understand, you can’t make ketchup go splurt splurt, and it’s your fault. Also, sometimes we just didn’t refill the machines. That’s on us.”
I talked to some students who were excited about the change. As one student put it, “You really feel like you’re pumping ketchup now—and you are. The precision of pump-action dispensers is truly liberating. I walk around the Deece with the peppiest step and the ketchupiest plate.”
Since Vassar made the change, Heinz’s stock price has gone up 38 percent. Mayo consumption on campus has increased tenfold. I also talked to another student who had mixed feelings about the new dispensers: “What I liked about the old condiment machines is that they provided accountability. Whenever I had enough mayo or mustard on a particular night, the machine would cut me off, even if it hadn’t dispensed anything out. The machine just knew I didn’t need it,” the student explained.
Vassar College Dining also announced in an Instagram post that it would be hosting dispenser-smashing events. “Here’s some pea-brain antics you guys might be into. We’re gonna hang two of the dispensers in classic piñata-formation and fill them to the brim with condiment packets. One swing per student. Aluminum bats provided. Another pair of dispensers will be dropped off the roof of Jewett and filmed in slow motion (we’re really hoping to get our YouTube channel off the ground this year). The last two will be thrown into an active volcano, following a heartfelt memorial service catered by Twisted Soul.”
It’s hard not to be excited about the change. In a year where robots are continuously attempting to steal our precious jobs, one job that the robots seemingly can’t touch is ketchup pumping, and that’s something my pea-sized brain can get behind.