As a hard-hitting journalist worthy of invites to PB’s coveted journalism dinners I sometimes seek out the queries of our loyal readers to bestow upon them my superior knowledge. Before you even consider accusing me of it, I wouldn’t dare use fake questions to fill up a column’s worth of words, you heartless dweebs. Let’s begin with a question from Springle T.
How should I spice up my dorm room this Spring? -Springle T.
Great question, Springle. It’s a question I get a lot, actually. Something that can really help make things spicy is adding some color to your space. I hear a lot of people saying that periwinkle is the color of spring this year. Now remember, painting over your beige dorm walls is basically a felony, so don’t do that. The beauty in periwinkle is that it is both a color and a word, so consider posting “PERIWINKLE” across your many walls. Another thing you can do is try changing up the scent of your room. In order to do this, I recommend getting a job at Subway and working your way up the corporate ladder. Eventually, you will have access to their secrets, such as why all the Subways have that smell. You can then incorporate this newfound knowledge into your living space, confusing all of your neighbors into thinking there’s a Subway close by. Hey, maybe you’ll even confuse yourself. That’s not a Subway, silly! That is your place of residence.
What presidential portraits should I hang on my wall this season? -Eli W.
Thank you for this question, Eli W. I see your insightful words on the Deece comment board quite often. You might recall that I recommended hanging Bill Clinton on your wall during the winter months. This season, however, I recommend taping up the King of Spring himself, Chester A. Arthur. That dude reeked of spring. Next question.
What’s the best place to sleep in a dorm room? -Eli W.
Thank you for another insightful question, Eli W. You are a gem. This is a question I get a lot, actually. I’ll share a little anecdote: I started my college experience by sleeping on the floor for the first few months and, despite the ample space, it was a pretty uncomfortable experience. The following eight weeks, I slept each night in my chair, a decision that put significant stress on my lower back. Finally, I tried out the bed, which worked pretty well. I have been sleeping there ever since.
Is owning fish cool this year? I know it was cool in 2017, but is it back yet? -Gayle K.
Having fish in your room is really cool this year—even cooler than it was in 2017. I recommend either goldfish, blue tangs or one medium-sized eel. Having a fish tank in your room says to people, “I am confident, I am bright and I like fish.”
What is a dorm room? -Atticus P.
This is a question I have never received. To start, dorm room is short for “dormitory room.” I’m sorry if this is already getting pretty complicated, but get this—they divide these buildings, called “dormitories,” into many small rooms, known as dorm rooms, and that’s why you live where you live. Dormitory comes from the Latin word dormire, which means “to skateboard.” Hope this helps.
I have a scorpion problem (at least 10), and now none of my friends will hang out in my room anymore :( What should I do? -Eli W.
You have quite a lot of questions today, Eli W., and yet they are all meaningful and very well thought-out. I appreciate your commitment to my column—it’s frankly very touching. Now about the scorpion thing—I’ve been there, dude. Some simple changes can really help you relieve a problem like this. The secret to solving any infestation is to know thy enemy. According to Zodiac Juiceology & Apothecary, scorpions love fish and seafood, green salads, beets, lentil (singular), almonds, walnuts, citrus fruit, berries, apples, bananas and pineapples. In order to rectify your scorpion problem, I recommend speaking badly on all of these foods. Maybe something like, “Boy I just hate fish and seafood, green salads, beets, a singular lentil, almonds, walnuts, citrus fruit, berries, apples, bananas and pineapples. Those are the very worst of the foods. Yuck.” Eventually the scorpions will realize the vibe is off and scuttle on to the next dorm room.
Thank you to all who submitted questions (especially Eli W.). May your dorm rooms be full of fish and scorpion-free.