“The Holdovers.” “Poor Things.” “Anatomy of a Fall.” What do all of these have in common? I haven’t seen any of them. Also, they’re up for an Oscar. My roommate Madeleine Nicks wrote a Misc article a few weeks ago about her favorite films of the year. This prompted me to think about what movies I’ve seen this year. I saw “Bottoms” and the end of “Pitch Perfect.” I’ve been thinking about watching the new “Hunger Games” since it came out, so I think that technically counts as watching it.
Since I am clearly a film aficionado, and thus very qualified to share my thoughts, I decided to predict the outcomes of the Oscars, with the help of my roommate giving me brief synopses of the movies. Out of all of the Oscar-nominated films this year, I have only seen “Barbie” and “Oppenheimer” (on two separate days because I can’t sit through more than an hour-and-a-half-long movie). My only true hope for the Oscars: that Ryan Gosling performs “I’m Just Ken” in full costume with live backup music. If he doesn’t, I will be writing a strongly worded email to theoscars@gmail.com. Get excited everyone!
Best Actor
If I were to take the safe route for Best Actor, I would say it would probably go to Cillian Murphy in “Oppenheimer.” However, that movie was way too long and loud for me. Going with my gut, and that is just vibes alone, I am going to say that Best Actor will go to Paul Giamatti from “The Holdovers.” I feel like the vibe of that movie is a wholesome unexpected father figure, and I’m nothing if not a sucker for the found family trope. Let’s go, Paul!
Best Actress
I think that best actress should go to Emma Stone. Not because I’ve seen “Poor Things,” but because I think that she played a great MJ in “Spider Man,” which I also haven’t seen, but I did see “La La Land,” and she was very good in that. Sandra Hüller from “Anatomy of a Fall” may also win an Oscar. What is the basis for this prediction? The title sounds interesting. Unfortunately for me, my roommate didn’t know what this movie was about, so I had to go off of title alone.
Best Supporting Actor
In “Poor Things,” Mark Ruffalo plays the love interest of a Frankenstein-esque character. At least that’s what I’ve heard. The Hulk was my favorite character in the MCU, so that’s why I think Mark Ruffalo should get the Oscar. Robert De Niro may also get it for “Killers of the Flower Moon,” but that’s only because I recognize that name from somewhere, so I’m sure he’s well-known.
Best Supporting Actress
This should go to America Ferrera. I actually won’t take any criticism on this. When I saw “Barbie” in theaters, like most women, I did in fact cry. I sat next to a group of men who giggled through America Ferrera’s entire speech and, disrespectfully, that was rude. If you have any other opinions, please feel free to come talk to me <3. Anyways Da’Vine Joy Randolph could also win and I would be happy because my roommate wants her to win and, once again, I think that I would enjoy “The Holdovers.”
Best Picture
Picture (haha) this: “Oppenheimer” is crowned as the winner of Best Picture. Everyone cheers. Yay “Oppenheimer!” Wrong. It’s actually whatever happened with “La La Land.” The stage explodes. Who appears amidst the rubble? Barbie herself. She won Best Picture, because of course she did, that movie was phenomenal. Barbie then breaks off pieces of the Oscar and throws it to the women in the crowd, much like Lindsay Lohan (or Angourie Rice) in “Mean Girls.” Everyone is happy and pretentious film buffs turn to dust.
Best Director
Little did you guys know, there was a sixth secret option for Best Director: Greta Gerwig. And she wins. I would also be content if Justine Triet won Best Director because, you guessed it, she is the only woman nominated. Another option is Martin Scorsese for “Killers of the Flower Moon.” According to the world-renowned scholarly source Wikipedia, it is an “American epic Western crime drama film.” The only reason that I am adding Martin Scorsese to this category is because I took “Rewriting the American West” last year as my writing seminar and I feel like that counts for something in this ranking.
Shoutouts
Those are the biggest categories. But what about the little guys? I think that “Oppenheimer” should win for Best Sound because that movie was really loud. The sound people must have worked really hard on that. Another honorable mention goes to the costume design of “Napoleon.” I feel like capturing the essence of Napoleon is hard, so shoutout to Janty Yates and Dave Crossman.