In a stunning revelation that has rocked the whole campus, sources close to the administration have suggested that the fascinating red lights adorning the exterior of the historic Thompson Memorial Library may not merely be an innocent fundraising effort, but rather a sign of a covert communist takeover.
The library, a bastion of knowledge and quiet study, has long been a symbol of academic pursuit at Vassar. Yet recent observations by vigilant students and curious locals have raised eyebrows and prompted wild speculation about the true nature of the building’s distinctive lighting.
“It’s like something out of a spy novel,” remarked sophomore Lance Liberty, who was recently spotted passing out flyers trying to warn students of this subtle takeover happening right under their noses. “First, it’s the red lights. Then, who knows? The next thing you know, we’ll all be reading Marx and Lenin in every class.” I chose to not disclose to Liberty that I was recently assigned a reading from Marx in my anthropological theory class. On a personal note, I don’t really mind this whole communism idea. Maybe I’ll get some help with my tuition payments! I think that’s what Marx would have wanted.
The rumors of a communist coup d’état at Vassar have spread like wildfire across the social media platform Fizz, with edited depictions of Karl Marx perusing the library’s catalog and calls for a rise of the working class covering the Fizzin’ page. It seems that the campus is alight more than ever with hope for the sharing of resources. My first order of business will be to knock down the walls around my coffin single and start to share the space in Jewett equally.
In an attempt to quell the mounting excitement, Vassar College President Dr. Elizabeth Bradley addressed the concerns during a hastily arranged press conference. “Let me assure you that the Thompson Memorial Library remains steadfastly dedicated to the principles of academic freedom and intellectual inquiry,” she declared.
However, as the sun sets over the Hudson Valley and the red lights of the library begin to glow, conspiracy theorists and pranksters alike continue to fuel the rumors of communist infiltration. Whether it’s a genuine concern or just the result of Vassar students searching for controversy to Fizz about remains to be seen.
It seems highly unlikely that communism has indeed found a new home amid the stacks of books. I don’t think anyone really knows what purpose the red lights serve, and I don’t think we ever will. Ultimately, I’m happy to report that everyone can rest assured knowing that Vassar remains committed to capitalism and the unequal distribution of resources and wages amongst our professors! Yay!!!