ARIES
Focus on self-care this week. Take out the trash in your room. Rinse your toothpaste out of the sink. Vacuum your floor. Do some dusting. This is actually just me telling you to do some cleaning. It’s dusty out there.
TAURUS
Spice up your life this week! Might I suggest dressing up in your nicest outfit and walking just a little too close to tour groups while taking fake notes in a notebook? There’s nothing like doing something off-putting to keep life interesting.
GEMINI
I know finals are rapidly approaching, but I think now is the time for you to curb your caffeine addiction. How many cups of coffee are you drinking a day? Take that to zero. Quitting coffee cold turkey will surely get your blood pounding, especially in your head.
CANCER
You really should get on planning your Founder’s Day costume. If you don’t finalize your outfit by the end of this week, then the weather will be bad on that fateful day. The entire fate of Founder’s Day 2024 rests in your hands. Do with that what you will.
LEO
Have you ever walked around the Blodgett Basement? I have. I have never seen a rat down there, though I’ve heard whisperings that there are many. Maybe that’s where Raymond’s Rat King came from. You should find him and ask. We all want to know.
VIRGO
I have a very important question for you: How many people from high school do you still follow on Instagram? Chances are that your answer is too many. Unfollow them! Protect your peace! It’s so worth it. You don’t need to see what the guy who sat behind you in calculus is doing now (spoiler alert: not much).
LIBRA
Do something nice for yourself this week. Might I suggest online shopping? That is one of my favorite pastimes. You don’t have to buy anything—just looking is enough. If you happen to be brave enough to buy something, ship it to your house as a little surprise for yourself when you go home for the summer!
SCORPIO
Have you checked your mailbox in the past week? How about the past month, or really at any point this school year? You should go do that; you never know what you’ll find! Maybe a vote-by-mail ballot, or perhaps a very old medical bill.
SAGITTARIUS
Take extra caution around radiators this week. I know that it’s hot out, but I have been burned two separate times by radiators in Main these past two weeks: once in the kitchen and once in the bathroom. Neither of those places need to be uncomfortably warm. Why do they get that hot? That should probably be illegal. Ouch.
CAPRICORN
Are you a victim of the pollen generated by the trees on this campus? Me too. Allergies are tough, but you are stronger; show the pollen who is boss. Rise above your allergic reaction. It will only take you down if you let it. I suggest putting pollen in your food as a little treat.
AQUARIUS
You should get into new kinds of music. What is stopping you from getting into some rancid EDM? Absolutely nothing, except maybe your dignity. I won’t judge you for your music taste; I get whiplash every time I put one of my playlists on shuffle.
PISCES
Are all of the keys on your laptop working? Can you please help me fix mine? My “d” key (courtesy of copy-paste) isn’t working, an it’s getting harer to take notes in class and work on my final papers. I’m getting esperate.