The Miscellany News

Dear all,

I hope your summer is going well! (Mine is not, hence I am sending the syllabus four weeks before class starts). Please read below my syllabus to the class that you already regret enrolling in:

MISC 143-01: Miscellaneous Utterances: An Epistemological Collapse of Hegemony
Email: woodywoodpecker38@hotmail.com

Class Time(s): Friday 5-10p.m.

Office Hours: Saturdays 4-6 a.m., Sundays 1-3 a.m.

COURSE DESCRIPTION 

Miscellaneous Utterances: An Epistemological Collapse will look at contemporary and historical models of understanding postmodernism as a rhizomatic inflection point of recent post-structuralist trends that reframe in a retelling ingrained narrative conceptions, vis-a-vis the election of Donald Trump….. If you’re still reading this bullshit section, you’ll see that I’m actually cooking harder than I will cook all semester, but also I’m just gonna repeat all of this on the first day, so don’t bother reading it.

COURSE MATERIALS

I’m thinking either one really gigantic, expensive book that’s way too big to justify lugging to class each week or maybe a bunch of teensy weensy books. You know what, screw it, we’re gonna do both. For at least one of those tiny, napkin-length books, I will assign only about a sentence to read in it and then in class be like, “So yeah, that’s really what the book’s all about.” Also, no digital copies!! Book=smart. Screen=dumb.

CLASS SCHEDULE

This is the only part of the syllabus that you will dig it back out for. Too bad I’m not gonna be following any of it after week two. All deadlines are firm as a rock, though.  

Week 1: Some awkward icebreaker activities that take up half of class. After that, I’ll just read the syllabus verbatim, or, if I’m a professor older than dirt, we’ll just jump into the material. No foreplay.

Weeks 2-13: Hell on Earth. Somewhere in the middle here I will cancel a week of class because of a family emergency, and you will be excited about it. Shame on you. 

Week 14 (last day): We will either be so far ahead that this last day is just a bullshit wrap-up day, or we’ll be so far behind that we’ll schedule an extra class day during study week to actually wrap things up.

GRADES

50%- That really big final project that you’re already super worried about. 

25%- An experimental project that I’m trying for the first time and it probably won’t go very well, but it’s still worth a fourth of your final grade.

15%- Midterm that’s either too late or too early into the semester to actually be considered a midterm.

5%- Participation points. I get really bothered when no one is talking, but I also ask borderline-impossible-to-answer questions

5%- My opinion of you as a person.

ACADEMIC POLICIES

No computers or phones in class EVER!!!!!!!!! If I see a computer in class, I will make you go in front of the class and write on the board all the reasons why you have chosen to be churlish and insubordinate today. Then I will make you do twenty push-ups in front of the class and will proceed to FAIL YOU. Also I will never enforce this policy ever because I am afraid of confrontation. 

It is also pertinent that you show up to class ON TIME and meet your deadlines for EVERY ASSIGNMENT, lest we become a kangaroo court. Now, this does not apply to me when I am grading assignments, which I will take a minimum of four weeks per assignment to do, every time. Remember kids, you can’t be late for something if you never give yourself a deadline.

CONCLUSION

Now you might be saying, “Wow this was a bunch of wack crap nonsense and a waste of my time,” especially the sections that you didn’t even consciously read, like “Integrity of Academic Work,” “Responsible Employee Statement” and “Departmental Armadillo Policy.” And that’s because most of this syllabus is just a copy of another professors’ syllabus who copied it from someone else who copied it from a friend who copied it from another professor who actually took the time to have AI generate it.

Well, that’s my syllabus. If you have any questions, please email and I will try my best to get back to you never. 

Best,

(cool name abbreviation that you may never ever refer to me as in class)