THIS A BIWEEKLY MESSAGE FROM GORGONZOLA RAMSEY, PRINCE OF VASSAR DINING:
It’s a new semester and we know you probably have a lot of questions about Vassar Dining right now, such as, ”What the hell is going on with Vassar dining this year?” I’m here to answer that and other profanity-infused questions about each of our illustrious dining options.
Retreat
If you’ve gone to Retreat recently you might have noticed signs for “BOL” and “FYR.” Now mind you, these are not airport codes, but rather separate, distinct food stations competing for your hunger. You might assume that BOL serves things in bowls and that FYR involves flame grills or something and, of course, both of these assumptions would be wrong. I will assure you that neither BOL nor FYR mean anything. With the rampant success of BOL and FYR (those lines are stretching to the Deece these days!), we’re going to be rolling out two new food stations in the Spring titled, “EET” and “YOM,” which both also evoke words while not actually being them. Why SPL words correctly WEN you can just spell them RNG?
At Retreat you might be wondering: how many food items can you take at a time this year? Well, that depends: FYR is a pick-three, which of course actually means you can pick four items for some reason. Also, remember that BOL is also a pick-three, by which I mean you can only get three items, because BOL=big. Another thing to consider is cereal, which is a pick-three entree, by which I mean you can actually pick five items, because if you get milk with it, the milk and cereal become one entree together. Now, in certain cases, cereal is not a pick-four entree (as in a pick-five meal) if you get any liquid other than milk with it which makes cereal just a side and a normal pick three, by which I mean pick four items. EET will be a pick six (by which I mean pick 30) and YOM will be a classic pick 2.5.
Express
In terms of changes at Express, we’ve dropped the popular “two-entree” option pick three (by which I mean pick four), bringing Express back to its proper level of popularity, which is no popularity, but hey, the chili’s a little better this year. Also, ever since we got hot food back in the form of two pots of soup last year, we’ve considered turning Express into a little soup place with a bunch of different soups everywhere and rebranding it “Soup World,” but that’s just a pipe dream right now.
Finally, expanding from our last year’s addition at Express of selling random crap for real-world money that you don’t need, we’re gonna start selling lottery tickets, porno mags and ZYN in early October.
The Bridge
Still in the Bridge.
The Deece
The biggest update at the Deece is that we finally gave up on the $885-998 touch-free condiment dispensers and have unceremoniously replaced them with classy, pump-action condiment dispensers. Funeral plans are still in the works. This change was actually something a student predicted two years ago, but it was written for an April Fools edition, so it was really kind of an anti-prediction, if you ask me.
Also, over the summer, our beautiful misshapen wooden tables were glazed shinier than any table you have ever seen in your life, so you can watch your reflection as you eat instead of being alone. Also, you’ve probably never been told this, but all of the tables can be puzzle-pieced together into a massive hockey rink and now you can finally skate on it!
If you head upstairs at the Deece, you can see our new table layout, which falls right in line with the Vassar’s liberal arts philosophy, as this new table arrangement is way too liberal and way too artsy. And don’t worry guys, we’ll glaze those tables in a week.
We get it, change is scary, but we think you will learn to love these over time. We can assure you that whether you’re eating at the Deece, the Bridge, BOL, FYR, YOM, EET or Soup World, Vassar Dining quality will remain consistent throughout.