Dearest readers,
I’m certain you’ve noticed all the recent activity on campus. A TV show of some sort is being filmed in the Nircle? At least that’s what I’ve heard on Fizz. Tina Fey, Steve Carell—it’s making me furious to be abroad. That aside, you may not have noticed another change in normal campus activities…the suspicious absence of one Elizabeth Bradley. She’s been busy with what you could call “a second job,” and the story of how she got it? Well, let’s just say, it’ll make you choke on your hot dog.
I have it on good authority that President Bradley is not only in this show, but is actually the mysterious star of the entire production. All of her normal duties are being fulfilled by a shockingly uncanny body double while she army crawls between filming locations, wearing a ghillie suit to remain unnoticed by any observant passerby (a classic move).
How did President Bradley come to trade hosting teas and begging alumni for money for running lines and getting makeup touch ups? Well, the specifics of that led me down a long line of interviews, reviewing camera footage and investigating events that took place at Citi Field this summer.
President Bradley, a lifelong Mets fan, was watching a game not long ago. There she was, clad all in orange and blue with an ice cream helmet in one hand and a hotdog in the other. Just like any Mets fan, she didn’t show up with thoughts of winning in her mind, but simply for the love of the game. To make a long story short, the Mets won! President Bradley was overjoyed, but this moment of joy nearly led to her demise. See, exactly as the winning points were scored, she had just taken a large bite of hot dog. In all the excitement, she began to choke. There she was, her airway closed off, becoming dizzy, worrying that the last thing she would ever see was the cold, unflinching smile of Mr. Met. She needn’t have feared though! Luckily, Tina Fey, a highly observant lifelong Mets fan was standing right behind her and noticed the situation unfold immediately. She sprang into action and performed the heimlich maneuver, saving President Bradley’s life, an action for which she was eternally grateful. According to a vendor who was nearby hawking popcorn and water bottles, President Bradley thanked her profusely and promised that if Fey ever needed ANYTHING, she was only a ring away.
Fey did not forget this offer. She was quick to reach out about using Vassar for filming, and President Bradley was more than happy to oblige. The requests didn’t end there though. Right before filming was set to start, the big star of the show ran away with someone. I cannot confirm nor deny if that someone is Pete Davidson, but let’s just say things didn’t end with Madelyn Cline for nothing. Fey was desperate to find a new star, and quickly remembered the charm and wit of our own President Bradley. So, she reached out with one more big favor: could Bradley step in?
Well readers, it seems that this was another request President Bradley was happy to fulfill. According to a source very close to the president who goes by the pseudonym Brohn Jadley, she’s long harbored a passion for acting and was positively jumping at the opportunity. I’ve had a working relationship with Jadley for years and can assure you he always provides highly accurate information. I for one can’t wait to see this new side of President Bradley, and I will be here to give you all the scoop as soon as it’s dished up. President Bradley, if you’re reading this, I want to give you one piece of advice. Acting? Well, it’s really reacting.