Aries
Your week is going to be totally WAC! That’s right! The New York City Watershed Agricultural Council is going to acquire a permanent easement on your farmland, preventing land development to safeguard NYC’s water quality.
Taurus
You have a LOT of stuff to get done this week; it seems like you’re going to get a stress headache! You should play Tylenol chicken! Take two Tylenol PM and work as hard as you can on your to-do list until you’re literally passing out.
Gemini
Have you ever seen the Tinkerbell movies? If not, that’s really embarrassing. You should feel very embarrassed. Don’t pay Disney to watch them now, though. Too late. Embarrassing.
Cancer
It may be a rough weekend, my friend. I wouldn’t go to the THs if I were you. If you do, do not get drunk. If you do that, don’t get super drunk. If you do get super drunk, don’t pee in a bush right in front of someone’s TH. If you do that…wait! I told you not to do that, you naughty minx.
Leo
You should really stop walking like that…Yeah, everyone thinks you walk really weird. Maybe you should try walking normally? No, I promise you, it’s not normal to make balloon animals while you walk somewhere.
Virgo
You might get invited to someone’s room this week only to find it’s a coffin single. No! I would leave if I were you. If you really think it’s really worth it, start practicing your sultry ladder climbing now.
Libra
You should take advantage of the scenic Hudson Valley this week. Go on an Outing Club trip! I know they’re not all advertised as naked hikes, but definitely get naked beforehand, just in case.
Scorpio
Rumor has it everyone is making fun of you for going to Global two times in one meal. You idiot! Next time, make sure to pack a pair of glasses with a nose and mustache glued on. Is this amateur hour?
Sagittarius
You’re going to meet some evil people this week. I’ll just say it. You’re going to meet a bisexual woman who will have sex but not go on a date in public with you. You should put a whoopie cushion on her chair. That’ll show her!
Capricorn
Under no circumstances should you go swimming in Sunset Lake this week. Didn’t you hear about the infestation??? There’s a ton of skunks in the lake or something. Or water chestnuts all over the golf course? It’s hard to keep it all straight…
Aquarius
You’re being too conservative with the things you take from the Deece. Really push the limit this week! Shove several loaves of bread under your shirt and mush them into a bump shape. If someone stops you, pretend you’re in labor. Then you can have so much smushed bread!
Pisces
This week is going to feel kind of like a picnic on the beach. May start out feeling great. You might even buy some Miss Vickie’s salt and vinegar chips for it. But seagulls are going to steal them! ARM YOURSELF AGAINST UPCOMING SEAGULL ATTACKS.